Coming Up To Date

Following on from last time, we were at the week from hell as I refer to it.
I got a call from my mum early on the Monday morning to say there was something wrong with my dad.  Now to let you understand, my dad had been in and out of hospital at various times over the previous two years.  His mobility was awful, he went blind after a severe case of shingles affected his eyes, although that wasn't the main cause of the blindness it was the last straw.  He had five different things wrong with his eyes, not least a very dense cataract over each eye.  He got one removed but didn't regain much sight, really just more light, the consultant said there was no point removing the other one as there was no sign of any life behind that eye anyway.  The consultant said my dad couldn't have been more unlucky to have so many things wrong with his eyes, he said it would be unlucky to have two or three of them but to have five was ridiculously unlucky.  My gran, his mum, was blind and it was a big dread of his which made it all the more poignant.  He didn't do well with the blindness.  He was very stubborn and refused to use a white stick or any other aid.  He looked like he could see so people got annoyed when he bumped into them etc.  So, when mum told me he couldn't seem to find his way round the house and had been up in the night trying to pee in the cupboard I thought it was just a bit of confusion, he probably needed to drink more, dehydration was the bane of our lives with him.  It wasn't that.  It was as if he'd been transported into the past overnight.  He was convinced they were in the wrong house, that his business which had closed a good 20 years previously was thriving, that my children were still babies etc and it was a nightmare.  Every time I saw him he asked me to phone the shop about the takings and got very agitated if I tried to tell him anything other than a lie about it.  We thought he'd had a stroke.   Turns out he had pancreatic cancer.  It had probably travelled to his brain which is what caused his confusion but we didn't know that until after he died.  Thankfully, he suffered no pain as far as we know.  We asked him if he had pain and he always said no.  It was a dreadful time as his mood got darker and darker and mum was seriously struggling with him.  I was constantly on the phone to social work for help for her and finally in January 2019 he was admitted to hospital.  The nightmare didn't end as they admitted him to a surgical ward and they were not set up to care for a very needy, blind, elderly man.  I will not comment on his care other than to say, some nurses are absolute angels and some should not be in the job.  We finally got funding in place in February to get him into a local carehome where we hoped he'd be better cared for, he was, but unfortunately his old self had all but disappeared by then and a horrible, dark, ugly personality had taken over so it was a very difficult time for all, especially my mum.  He died very peacefully in hospital two days after I returned from Australia.  The photo is mum and dad taken at my nephews wedding in 2016.

Meanwhile back at the week from hell, I got a phone call from my friend on the following Saturday morning.  I answered only to hear her daughter on the other end sobbing.  She told me she'd gone to her mums as she was supposed to babysit for her and found her dead.   Her husband had given her a cup of tea and gone out to do some work and my friend was found still in the chair she'd been in with the tea still by her side.  She'd had a massive heart attack probably just after he left.  A thank goodness moment was that her daughter hadn't already left the baby with her.  The baby was only 18 months at the time, can you imagine!  She had no health issues and in fact the only reason they did an autopsy was because she hadn't been near her doctor for years, she was in great health, or so we thought.  Strangely it took me much longer to get over the death of my friend than my dad.  I think we'd been mentally preparing for dad to die for a while but my friend was so unexpected and shocking and it made me very anxious for a long time.  Suddenly I realised we can take nothing for granted, we can't guarantee we'll be here tomorrow.  That shook me to my core.
 But, I have to say there were moments of respite during these times.  Youngest son came home for a brief visit for a work conference in December.  He hadn't planned to be home that year but his company had a huge conference and paid for him to come so he added a few days of leave on and managed to visit us which was lovely, plus he was able to see his grampa for what was to be the last time.  We also managed to get our long planned trip to Australia in March.
There was a lot of will we, won't we before we went.  Hubby wasn't convinced it was the right thing to do.  I wasn't sure either however I knew there would be little chance to go later in the year.  We had our eldest son's 40th in May, our daughter and her family would be heading to Dubai in June and we are the dog sitters for her, it was to be our grandsons 18th in September by which time it would be heading into summer in Australia which would be too hot for us.  Not to mention had we left it till then we'd have got caught up in the horrors of the fires that ravaged Australia last year.  Not that we knew that back in March!  I decided we'd go and take the chance on not getting 'the call'.  My dad was going to be in the home and my daughter agreed to be my representative in all things social work related, and my brother was around too, as useful as a chocolate teapot, but around nevertheless!  So we went and it was the best thing we ever did.  We had a fabulous time.  We stayed with our son in law in Dubai for a couple of days and it was good to see all the places they talked about to us.  We had a few days in Adelaide with my aunt and uncle and in another thank goodness moment, my aunt has since been diagnosed with Dementia and her health has deteriorated dramatically since our visit  so I'm glad we were able to enjoy some time with them while they were able for it and we had a wonderfully relaxing time with our youngest and his partner.  He's got a little boat which he took us out on to all the little beaches you don't normally see on the big tourist boats and when we weren't out on the boat hubby and son were working together on it.  I read four books while there which is a record for me!  I returned home much more ready to cope with whatever was thrown at me and let me tell you it was a lot!  I got home in time to accompany my dad in the ambulance to the hospital where he died a couple of days later.

It was a while before life normalised again.  There is an inordinate amount of paperwork involved when someone dies, then there is everyones 'opinion' on what is right and proper for the funeral, sorting out my mums finances, getting all their bills put into her name etc, etc.  Not to mention I became ill the day after the funeral and went down with flu.  I was in bed for 5 days, aching all over, feeling very ill and I lost half a stone.    I will say there are some things I will never forget, people who behaved very badly, from a couple of nurses in the hospital before he went to the home to some family members whose behaviour made everything much much harder than it needed to be.  It's all water under the bridge now and now I'm doing my best to support my mum through this new challenge Covid-19 or Coronavirus as its known.  What a life!! xx