I'm Moaning.

I've become a moan!  I go from one ache or pain to another.  At the moment I've got sciatica.  Thankfully not the full on nerve pain sciatica I had years ago but enough to hamper my activities and pull me down mood wise.  Weirdly the main pain is in my bum when I sit.  I can't sit for long or it really hurts.  It makes eating meals interesting!  And I do nothing but moan about it!  Before that I had shoulder pain which was also very debilitating.  It made sleeping difficult as I sleep on my side (yes, the side that was sore) and sleeping on my back felt awkward and uncomfortable and the other side was no go either as the sore shoulder seemed to impact that too!  I have no idea what I did to get these pains.  It's not as if I've been particularly active lately. The shoulder thing cleared up eventually by itself and I assume the bum pain will too but is this it?  Is this old age?!  I'm fed up with myself and my ailments.  I know there are people out there much worse off than me but that doesn't help a jot.   I also know I need to get back into a more positive frame of mind.  I blame lockdowns!  Well why not, everything else is the fault of lockdown/the pandemic/brexit/the government/.....!  It's been a hard year and a half to think positively.   It's hard to imagine when I'll get to Australia or when my son will visit here again.  It's hard to imagine meeting friends for lunch without worrying about how to get there without taking public transport because you're afraid its too busy and too many people won't wear masks.  It's hard to imagine taking classes again in a room full of people.  Before this all happened I used to think I could easily become a hermit.  I don't like visiting very much.  I'm very happy in my own home and garden and particularly during the summer months I can happily spend time in my garden and see no one.  I'll happily chat to anyone passing the garden and the neighbours and I can chat for Britain on the phone but don't ask me to go anywhere.  However I increasingly feel I need to see more people.  I also have a whole room to myself full of every craft you can think of and I can't be bothered with any of it at the moment. I want to do stuff but I can't be bothered.  The strange thing is that hubby has discovered he could very easily be a hermit.  He's found his niche in his shed making things and planning stuff.  He's not one of those men who semi lives in his shed.  He always comes into the house for cups of tea etc  he doesn't even have a chair in his shed but he loves pottering about with his stuff and he loves a project that requires him to plan, buy the wood and make something.  He's currently making a table with casters for his table saw to sit on and he's happy as can be.  He retired fully during the first lockdown and it took him a few weeks to get used to it but now he's thriving.   He doesn't feel the need to go anywhere (other than B&Q or Screwfix) or to see anyone.   I want to go out but when the opportunity arises (as it has at the moment) I don't want to go.  My anxiety levels are still too high.  My mind creates false signals and I feel sure I might die.  I've got myself into a loop I cannot find the way out of and I'm annoying the heck out of myself now.  The thing is, you think if you could just confront the 'scary' thing you can chase it away but it's not necessarily true.  When I had chemo and felt sick all the time I thought I'd never worry about feeling sick again.  Feeling sick is one of my triggers.  My son had a very bad case of Salmonella when he was 5.  Environmental health tested us and said they think he got it at school, sharing sweets or crisps.  He was very ill and by the end of the week the doctor threatened to put him in hospital to give me a rest as I'd been sitting with him 24/7 and was making myself ill.  Fortunately he turned a corner soon after that and was on the mend but it had a huge effect on both of us mentally.  To this day if either of us feels sick we go into panic mode.  Thankfully neither of us is sick very often but if I even feel too full I start to panic and even after the horrors of chemo I can't throw this feeling off. I think this is what's going on with Covid now and for all everyone tells you the chances are you'll be ok, what if they are wrong?  I know you can't live your life like this, hidden away and scared to go out and meet people and I'm pretty sure it's because of this state of mind I'm feeling every ache and pain much more than I would normally.  I'm trying really hard to normalise myself, I'm pushing myself to go places and do things that are out of my current comfort zone but I find I do it, then worry about it for a few days afterwards (waiting to see what happens!) then go back to being happy in my bubble again.  Will this end?  I know they are working hard to get the vaccine so that it offers as much protection as possible and I'm certain we will have to have boosters anually like the flu jag I just hope the fear and anxiety settles down and we can all go forth with confidence again - soon!   I feel, at times, I'd be a full time workload for some counsellor somewhere, yet on the whole I feel I'm a fairly upbeat, normal human being.  Except just now when I'm moaning!  I think I've forgotten how to be upbeat for just now.  There's been too much madness in the world lately and clearly it's getting to me now that it's beginning to settle down a bit.  I have to say, in writing this all down I've almost convinced myself to push myself to go to the event I've been putting off.  I'll think about it for another day or two before I make a decision though!